I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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