hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
