I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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