She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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