my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Randomize
