we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
