I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I would ride that face into the sunset
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
