It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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