i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
