He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
