if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
