I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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