I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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