Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
