I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think I won the penis lottery.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
