She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
