Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
