Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
