How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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