no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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