Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
