FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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