to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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