My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
