So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
