peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
