I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
