I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
