I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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