It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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