The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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