am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Too much gin, very little bucket
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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