How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
