you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
