I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
