I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
