all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
