at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
