: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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