1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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