i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
