She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
