my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
