I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize