I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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