??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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