my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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