if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
