Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
