I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
