It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
