Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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