that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
