I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
