I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
