I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
