the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
