white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I did not marry a roomba.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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