i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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