i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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