It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
