remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
