Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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